The Ache in Every Word
by Noa-Pearl
Summary: Set during 1x09, Blair Waldorf Must Pie! Serena takes her mother and brother to Dan's for Thanksgiving. Lily and Rufus pretend to not know each other, but things get heated when Alison is there as well, and eventually the bomb drops. What if Rufus had decided to think with his heart instead of his head that Thanksgiving? One-shot.
_Note: Gossip Girl's season 1 Thanksgiving episode is hands down my favorite one of the show. Well, one of my favorite ones that is at least, haha ;) . It would've been even better though if there had been a slight twist… Which I decided to just go and write myself. I hope you like it, please let me know :) XO.
Summary: Serena takes her mother and brother to Dan's for Thanksgiving. Lily and Rufus pretend to not know each other, but things get heated when Alison is there as well, and eventually the bomb drops. What if Rufus had decided to think with his heart instead of his head?  
Rating: Rated K+.  
Spoilers: I don't consider Gossip Girl season 1, episode 9 to actually be a spoiler, but, hey, just in case... ;)_

 **The Ache in Every Word**

 _He is the thought behind the feeling,_  
 _the swelling in my chest;_  
 _the starlight in the evening,_  
 _the yearning when I undress._

 _He is the sound behind the sighing,_  
 _the song of every bird;_  
 _the tears in all my crying,_  
 _the ache in every word._

 _\- Lang Leav_

"You've been in here for half an hour…"

Rufus looked at Lily, who had been sitting in Dan's bedroom for way too long. He looked at her from in the doorway as she replied: "Yeah well, not nearly enough time to fathom how you allowed me to walk into this situation."

Rufus frowned. "Allowed you? You were the last person I expected to come through my front door today."

Lily looked hurt when she said: "Yeah well, at the very least, you knew that Serena would come home and tell me all about the wonderful Thanksgiving she had with Dan his father, oh, and his mother. Is this really how you think I deserved to find out?"

Rufus sat next to her on the bed, desperately wanting to touch her as he looked at her. "I don't know what I do or do not owe you… I mean, we haven't actually defined what we are to each other."

Lily was silent for a second until she murmured: "Well, maybe this is the perfect opportunity to do it."

"Lily.. These past few weeks have…"

Lily couldn't hide her pain when Rufus didn't even finish his sentence. Was it really that hard for him to admit it? Or had he simply not been enjoying her company as she had enjoyed his? "Have been what? You can't even say it, can you?"

"I can, but I shouldn't… " Rufus looked at his feet for a second. No, he shouldn't tell her that she was still the love of his life. That she was still the only woman he had ever been truly in love with and that she would always be the one holding his heart. "Look, for better or for worse, you're one of my oldest friends."

"Oldest friends? That's certainly not how it felt when you kissed me at Eleanor's party."

"What?" Alison and Dan appeared in the doorstep without either one of them noticing, and Lily burried her face in her hands. This Thanksgiving was so not what it was supposed to be. 

* * *

Lily had left Rufus' loft the moment Alison had put him on the spot. She didn't want to hear him choose his cheating wife over her. It was too painful. She strolled the streets, that were quite empty, which made sense. Everybody was having their Thanksgiving dinner with their loved ones. And here she was once again, Lily Rhodes-van der Woodsen-Bass, or whatever the hell she was supposed to call herself these days, on her own. Her eyes were pricking but she was not allowing herself to cry once again over Rufus Humphrey. She had done so for years. There hadn't ever been a man she had cried as often over as she'd been crying over Rufus. Then again, there had never been a man she loved more than she had ever loved Rufus. The hold he had on her was so incredible and tight. It was something Lily couldn't even descrive. It pained her how Rufus still had such an affect on her after all these years.

She got home an hour later, not surprised to find her place empty. The kids were probably still together, discussing how weird it was to find out their parents had actually known each other for years already. How weird it was their parents had actually been making out and doing God knows what back in the day. The kids would probably think it hadn't been anything special. How was she ever going to explain how Rufus Humphrey had been the love of her life at one moment in time. She poured herself a glass of wine before throwing off her shoes and plopping on the couch. Why was she even lying to herself? Rufus still was the love of her life.

After her first sip, Lily couldn't hold herself together anymore. She allowed a tear to escape, which was soon followed by many more. "Fuck you, Rufus Humphrey," she murmured to herself. Why had she even allowed him to get close to her again? She should've known things would end up badly. They always did. He wasn't the kind of guy she could ever 'just drink a cup of coffee with'. Share 'just a little talk and a couple of laughs' with.

After allowing herself to cry for a couple of minutes, Lily got up and made her way to her bedroom. She took off her make-up and changed into a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt before getting back to the living room again. She grabbed the dvd of _It's a Wonderful Life_ and put it in the player before turning her television on. Wine and a movie would do her good. Or that was what she hoped, at least. Lily knew it would never take her mind of off the events that had happened only hours earlier. But perhaps _It's a Wonderful Life_ could offer her at least some slight comfort. 

* * *

Lily was so sunken in her movie that she never heard the elevator's beeps as someone entered her place. She was startled when an all too familiar voice called out for her though.

"Lil? Lily, are you here?"

Rufus stood in front of her seconds later, his brown puppy eyes worried as they looked at her, taking in her make-up less face, her hair up in a ponytail and her casual outfit. How was that woman always able to look fabolous, even without trying? He could tell she had been crying as he sat down on the couch next to her. Lily immediately removed her legs from the couch, not even wanting to touch Rufus in the slightest.

"Rufus… I didn't expect to see you here tonight."

"I didn't expect to find myself here either." Rufus reached out for her hand but she swatted it away.

"Don't touch me."

"Lil, listen.." He looked into her dark eyes as he felt a stinging pain in his chest. She looked hollow and empty, and he knew he was the one to blame. "You were right… This wasn't the way you deserved to find out about Alison being here. I… I just didn't really know what to tell you."

An ironic smile appeared on Lily's lips. "Well, for starters, you could have told me you two were trying to make things right. Trying to get your family back together again."

Rufus shook his head. "You have any idea how difficult it was for me? The last couple of weeks were…" He fell silent againt, and Lily shook her head. "You still can't say it, can you?"

When Rufus stayed silent she got up and said: "I think you should leave, Rufus."

He grabbed her hand and pushed her back on the couch. He kept his hand on hers as he looked right into her eyes, staring right through them as he said: "The last couple of weeks made me happier then I've been for years. You, coming over unannounced complaining about your daughter with my son, grabbing coffees, talking… It made me realize this is the way love should be. Do you have any idea how scary that is?"

An ironic chuckle escaped from Lily's lips. "Rufus, believe me, I know."

He carressed the skin of her hand with his thumb as he said: "I didn't want to destroy my family Lil, you have to understand. But you and me, this… This is love. We are meant to be. You're my first love… The first woman that ever broke my heart… And the only woman that has ever truly held my heart."

Their eyes locked as Rufus quietly said: "Alison is right… There is no chance of her and me succeeding as long as you're around."

The butterflies that had appeared in her stomach when Rufus had told her they were meant to be disappeared immediately when he spoke his last sentence. So he was going to choose his family. This was just his way of saying goodbye. His way of making everything sound nice when in fact, it was just him trying to let her down gently. Lily bit her lip and looked to the side, staring at nothing in particular as she said: "You know, it's fine, I understand. You need your family. It's okay."

"Lil…" Lily wasn't prepared for his hands cupping her cheeks. He gently made her look at him again as he said: "That's the thing though. I need my family… But I need you too. You're always around, whether it's physical or on my mind. I can't let go of you again, Lily." His thumb caressed the soft skin of her cheeks as he added: "It's been a long time since I felt like this, Lil. Since I felt full of life, full of love."

Her eyes started to water as she whispered: "Rufus… I don't want you to let your family fall apart. I've been there and believe me, it's not pretty."

He smiled, her head still in his hand as he said: "But living life this way isn't pretty either. You're my soulmate Lily."

Lily couldn't prevent tears from falling down her cheeks as she whispered: "What if things go wrong again, Rufus?"

"Lily, don't." He tried wiping away tears but wasn't succeeding since they started falling down rapidly. Rufus dropped his hands off her face but made sure his body was touching hers as he said: "You can come up with hundreds of reasons for us not to be together or to be scared. Stop hurting yourself that way. We belong, together. No matter what, we'll make it. As long as we're honest, and as long as we keep loving each other."

A soft chuckle escaped from Lily's lips through her tears as she murmured: "I don't think I have ever truly stopped loving you. I thought I had…."

A small smile escaped on Rufus lips as he moved even closer to Lily, his hands resting on her upper legs as he said: "I guess we're both good at hiding our true feelings, huh?"

Lily shrugged. "I was so happy to run into you again, and actually spend time with you… Are you sure this is what you want? That us is what you want?" She pointed to herself and him while uttering those words.

Before Rufus could say a word, she added: "I'm… I'm not the girl you fell in love with anymore. I mean, look at me… I'm not that wild, fun, beautiful seventeen year old that was able to do everything with you and go everywhere with you. I have obligations now, I've grown old…. I've grown to be like my mother." Lily sighed while uttering those last words, and Rufus couldn't help but chuckle.

"Hey…" He grabbed one of her hands as he said: "You're still beautiful, you're still fun and I'm sure there's still a wild side hidden in you somewhere…" He wiggled his eyebrows and winked, making Lily smile a genuine smile. He could be so cute sometimes. The smile was still on her face as he added: "We had fun, the last couple of weeks. A lot of fun, actually. Please don't downgrade yourself, Lil. You're gorgeous And I know better than anyone that that heart of yours is golden. We have things to overcome, things will be challenging… But I have faith. Faith in you, me… In us."

Lily started chewing her lip vigorously. His words were making her cry again. She didn't want to cry again. That was why she decided to take his head in her hands, her hands touching his skin as she uttered: "I…. I love you, Rufus. I want us to try. We'll be good."

"I love you too, Lil."

Their lips met halfway and Lily felt as if she was flying. He still loved her. It was still there. She moaned with satisfaction as his tongue met with hers. For a brief moment, she felt immortal. She felt as if everything was finally falling back in its place again. After all these years, she could feel her heart slowly stop aching for what she truly wanted, truly needed. She finally had what she truly wanted and needed right in front of her again.

 _The End._


End file.
